


relief (levi x reader)

by sneighl



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:35:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28679016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sneighl/pseuds/sneighl
Summary: angst, angst and more fucking angst. a bit of bad language, mentions of death, mourning, brief mentions of suicidal thoughts. slightly “fluffy” at the end (?) it ends on a positive event, but the sadness is still there, you know?"hello! may I request one where Levi thinks his s/o died on an expedition (no body was recovered) and he's heartbroken but ofc he's hiding his pain from others when really he's hurting. and then like a week later his s/o managed to return to the walls somehow and Levi is so relieved that his love is by his side again. basically angst to fluff please!"gender neutral reader, they/them
Relationships: Levi & Reader, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) & Reader, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Reader, Levi/Reader
Kudos: 132





	relief (levi x reader)

**Author's Note:**

> requested by: anonymous on tumblr

the relative calmness of the forest floor told nothing of the screams and carnage that had taken place here moments earlier. the slain titans and their blood were evaporating as the seconds passed, the dead and injured were being carted off to the medical wagon, and the remainder of the survey corps were preparing for retreat back to the walls. however the final panic came from the calmest man on the corps, his desperate calling out for his beloved echoing through the area.

levi ran through the forest, checking behind every tree, every bush that he came across, his movements becoming more and more frantic as the time passed. their name continuously fell from his lips, aswell as a few accompanying phrases that masked his all consuming dread as well as he could in that moment.

“y/n! y/ where the fuck are you? we have to go back come on”

he continued like this, trying his best to ignore the part of him that told him that it was futile, that they wouldn’t answer. no, they had to.

“y/n! i’m not fucking around, come on, we-”

he stopped his sentence and his movements as his eyes focused on the cloak that lay infront of his feet, ripped and coated in blood that wasn’t evaporating. he knew, he just knew that it was theirs, but he’s be damned if he didn’t check.

squatting down, he kept his stair on the green cloth, eventually picking it up with shaking hands. turning it over, unfolding a part of it, he saw the very small stitch that they had added to the hood after it took some minor damage last expedition. the little detail would’ve been unnoticeable unless you knew where to look, but to levi, it confirmed the worst thing he could ever imagine to be true. his heart and jaw clenched, his mind crowded with them. their eyes when they first opened in the mornings, bright and beautiful as they stared at him with such love that made everything better, their laugh that rang out whenever he told a shitty joke, brightening his day and putting a small but heartfelt smile on his face. hell, he could even feel the warmth of their hand in his, the way they would squeeze it under the table as they sat together in meetings, letting him know that they were there. a cruel thing, considering that this revaluation meant they weren’t, and they never would be again. y/n, his y/n, was gone.

levi felt that all too familiar cocktail of anger, of sadness, of regret begin to well inside of him, just as it had done when he had lost his mother, then the rest of his family. this time, however, it was more. more pain than he could ever have imagined to be possible from a wound physical or not, but it was real, and it ripped what was left of his soul to shreds until it resembled what was left of his heart in the form of the torn cloak that they wore. when it fully sunk in, he felt as dead as they were, and honestly, he wanted to be.

-

it had been four days, four sleepless, joyless, y/n-less days for levi, every single second that passed hurt more than the last. despite not outwardly showing it, everyone knew how badly the captain was affected by their death. the strong, work orientated leader had locked himself in his office the moment the regiment had returned to base, remaining there in solitude ever since. rare knocks on the door slowly became even less frequent, the lack of answers telling nothing of his state.

he had never allowed himself to get like this before, this level of broken, always able to push down those emotions, with great difficulty, granted, but he could do it. especially with y/n’s help. they would hold him, stroke his hair, they would be the one to bring him out of the darkness in his mind, but now, their absence was was not only the reason that he couldn’t stop, but the reason his pain had stared. it was worse, so much worse than anything he could have ever thought. so with his mind firmly stuck on that, he neglected to stop the tears that fell, soaking into one of their shirts that he held as close to him as possible, or the sobs that could be heard by anyone passing by his office in the dead of night. normal a mortifying thought, now, however, he didn’t even consider it. he wasn’t him without them, so what was the point in pretending, in keeping up appearances? he couldn’t see one, so for the first time in his life, he let himself grieve, although it as unclear as to weather or not this was a conscious decision, considering he probably wouldn’t have been able to stop if he had tried.

-

the pitiful sleep that had somehow claimed him that night didn’t provide a break from his torment, they invaded his mind even then. that wasn’t the bad part, he would’ve gladly stayed in that state, them infront of him, smiling that gorgeous smile that he loved so dearly. but apparently even that fabricated happiness had to come to an end, he guessed, as he woke up.

sighing to an empty room, levi squinted his eyes at the bright light that attacked them. it had to be around seven, what day, he didn’t know, he didn’t care. all he knew was that it was another godforsaken day without them, a day that they should’ve seen.

he felt that familiar warm, salty liquid build up in his eyes, blinking to force them out, then letting them run down his cheeks, following the path that countless others had done before.

his eyes were reddened and stinging, his muscles ached, but most of all, his throat was raw. in his grief, levi hadn’t given any thought to his favorite beverage, only having the occasional sip of water. thinking about it, he realized the nagging ache in his abdomen, due to the fact that he had forsaken food aswell. typically, once he noticed, he couldn’t un-notice it, but that didn’t stop him from trying.

his tears slowed, then eventually stopped as his mind and body began to be taken over by hunger, but still, he ignored it, crossing his arms as he sat to his desk. the paperwork that he had been assigned beforehand remained untouched, and probably would for a while, but, how long? how long will he be allowed to mourn like this, before his responsibilities caught up with him? he was the captain, what would be expected of him? and, what worried him more, would he be able to fulfill those expectations? to get back to work, to be strong once more, to continue, to feel better. because truth be told, he didn’t know if he’d ever feel better. a loud growl echoed through the empty walls of his office, interrupting his thoughts, his still aching stomach the culprit. then, after a few seconds, another. then another, then another, demanding food, demanding him to get up, eventually causing him to cave.

with a light stretch, levi stood, allowing his body to get used to the action before taking a step. he would go to the hall, grab a piece of bread, then come back. he had no patience for small talk at the best of times, so he hoped the others would understand to levi him alone now. opening the door gingerly, he scanned the surrounding hall. after making sure no-one was around, levi slowly walked out, turned, and began making his way to the messhall.

his legs ached slightly from the sudden exercise at first, but soon got used to it. as he approached the large room, the sounds of chatter, of laughter, of normality slowly became clearer and clearer, causing him to pause outside the doors. he wasn’t sure if he could face them, their sympathetic looks, their whispers, maybe even their kind words. while he knew they would be in good spirit, he just wasn’t ready. ‘in, grab the bread, out.’ he reminded himself as he finally began to pull on the handle, reveling his disheveled state to the whole scouting legion, who, of course, all turned their attention to him. his usual pristine uniform was replaced by baggy trousers and a worn shirt that made him look even more skinny than the four days of starvation had caused. his eye bags were somehow darker, his skin somehow paler. his usually tidy hair free to do whatever it wanted, and judging by some of the glances to it, it wasn’t flattering. he looked nothing like their captain, the neat freak, the always well dressed gentleman. yep, there were those sympathetic looks. ‘great.’ he sighed as he began to walk in ‘ in, grab the bread, out’

their gazes followed him, but he learned to ignore it, keeping his eyes focused on his destination, not daring to glance over to the higher ups table for even a second, not even when he had to walk directly past them. he kept focused on the kitchen, the taps of his shoes against the stone floors the only sound. at least he had been wrong about the whispering. that was, until, a loud gasp echoes through the room, followed by another, then another, then a series of mumbles and stutters, none of which stopped levi. what did, however, was the name that he could hear being repeated in some of those mumbles, the same name he had been crying out for the past four days.

“y/n?”

he whipped his head around faster than his body could follow, causing him to spin and almost tumble in his haste, but the second his eyes locked with theirs, time stopped.

‘i’ve finally lost my mind’ he thought, not allowing himself to believe they were alive, only to have his heart broken all over again. even as their dirty, bruised, scratched figure stood just a few meters away from him, he refused to believe that they actually were. they couldn’t be, their cloak, the blood, four days, four-

“levi”

their groggy voice was the only he heard in a see of silence, and it was like a rope had been thrown out to him just before he drowned. grabbing onto it, he begin to pull himself in.

step by step, he made his way to them, eyes never leaving theirs. the hall was empty apart from them, as was his mind. eventually stopping infront of them, he began to raise a shaky right hand towards their face, noticing the way their eyes got more and more watery as it got closer.

‘they can’t be, they can’t be’

when his calloused, cold skin met with their soft, warm cheek, when they leaned their face into his touch, when the damn in their eyes finally broke, so did his restraint. they were here, really here, really alive, and he could believe it. he could trust it. so he did.

his arms had curled around them faster than he knew was possible, but feeling their’s hold him back, he wasn’t about to question it. he felt them pressed so tightly against him, he felt their rapid heartbeat hammering with his own, he felt his shoulder dampen as she cried into it, as he did into theirs.. he also felt his knees sake and wobble, eventually giving away, as did theirs, causing them to fall to the floor, still tightly embracing each other.

there were so many questions, but they could wait, this could not.

he heard no words, only sobs, he felt no pain, only love, and the strongest sense of relief he had ever felt.


End file.
